No motivation + loneliness + sleep deprived = BAD DAY

It’s one of those days where its so damn hard to muster even a tiny ounce of motivation. I wish I could bottle motivation so that I can use it on the days where I have none.
Most days I feel like I have an endless supply of motivation, as if it were overflowing from my pores. But on some days, I feel like motivation is as rare as squeezing blood from a rock.

Is demotivation married to loneliness? Are they dating or something? Everytime I lose motvation, loneliness always seems to be there in the shadows.
Unwanted visitors are the worst. You can never seem to get rid of them easily. Like most unwanted visitors, loneliness overstays its welcome.

On days like these, I hate waking up in the mornings. I go to work and I hate my job. I hate traveling to work and at the end of the day I hate going home. I feel as if I have nothing to look forward to when I get home. It is days like today that I realise how important my fiance is to me. I miss him terribly. Its so hard to be so far away from him. After a long day, I just want to come home to him. But all I come home to is loneliness.

But I stop short of feeling sorry for myself. I don’t want to go down that path. I recognise today for what it is. Just another bad day. A bad day stemmed from missing my fiance…and probably also from lack of sleep. I feel so drained and empty.

What I wouldn’t give to have my fiance right here with me…

Long distance relationships: Fail-proof formula?

Living life day by day, you would not be able to see just how quickly time passes by. It has been almost three years now since I’ve been together with my fiance. Three years of maintaining a long distance relationship. It’s hard to imagine what life would be like had we not chosen to commit ourselves to this path. To be honest, I couldn’t imagine life any other way.
Most people will find it difficult to comprehend why I’ve made this choice. Why be in a long distance relationship? The answer is actually quite simple. Nobody wants to be in a long distance relationship. We all want to be close to our partners, but sometimes circumstances are beyond our control. I can no more control the fact that my fiance does not live in Australia with me than control the sun to rise at night.

People tell me that long distance relationship do not work. They tell me that over time the relationship will fade. They tell me that long distance relationships fail because of factors like the lack of trust, lack of committment and the obvious fact that partners cannot see each other.
How can they expect me to believe it when I am living it? I have lived through three years of it all. While I do agree that most long distance relationships cannot work, I also believe that they can work if couples want it to.

I am sure there have been many talks on what makes a long distance relationship work. I cannot truly say that there is a fail-proof formula. Sometimes people have the best of intentions, they work hard on making their relationship work. But ultimately, the relationship falls apart and they cannot understand why. Truthfully, I don’t know either. I’m not sure why one relationship works and why another does not. But I am a strong believer in committment and communication. If we have these in the relationship, then all else will fall into place. But that is just my view. This formula seems to work for my fiance and I.

I’d like to believe that faith is another part of the formula in making long distance relationships work. No, I don’t mean faith in a divine being. I mean faith in your own abilities and your own belief that the relationship will work. When you begin to doubt whether the relationship will work or not, most of the time you will find it won’t work. Having faith in your committment as a couple to make your relationship work is invaluable. It also proves how confident you are of your relationship and it’s abilities to withstand obstacles.

People will continue to tell me that long distance relationships do not work. And I will continue to prove them wrong. Ultimately, there are no fail-proof formulas to ensure that long distance relationships work. As a couple, you need to find the right formula between yourselves. With that said, I believe that communication and committment sprinkled with a little faith works. It has for me.

The Past and the Lessons Learned

The years spent in youthful innocence all seem so long ago. Old memories are forgotten, or at the very least, locked away in the recesses of my soul. Every now and then, the wind stirs and these memories are blown back into the forefront of my mind. Suddenly, the heartache of yesteryears are so painfully vivid. Sorrow, it would seem, does not fade away over time as I’d like to believe. Rather, it lies dormant, seemingly forgotton until a familiar face or event unlocks all of these old emotions.

I find myself dragged unwillingly back in time. Old wounds start to throb and scars start to itch. Old heartache hurts as much today as they did yesterday. Tears erupt in my eyes and my heart begins to hurt. For the briefest of moments, I am transported back through time. Back to the moments that changed who I was  and who I will be. For that brief moment, I forget who I am and I become who I used to be. With these emotions warring inside, it is hard to imagine just how naive I used to be. Looking back retrospectively, it’s easy to understand why I was always hurt by those I cared about. I was just so forgiving and so trusting. I shake myself out of my overwhelming thoughts and steady my emotions.

Today, I am older and much more wiser. Life and experiences has given me extra strength. I am where I want to be and I am happy with where I am going. Heartaches from yesterday are left behind. The wounds will always be there, but the future is bright. There is hope. The new chapter of my life will be the foundations on which I will build my future. And the pain from yesteryears will just be a distant memory to remind me of how much I have grown…

Down a different path

I’ve always told myself that when I become a mother, I will raise my kids differently to the way my parents raised me. That’s not to say that the way I was brought up was in any way bad. My parents did a great job of instilling deep values and principles in me and my siblings alike. But if there is one area that my parents failed, it would be their lack of closeness with their children. My parents are your typical Asian parents, the kind who work hard for their family to give their children a future. But they are also the kind of parent who put pressure on their kids to excel in school. They live by the motto ‘go to school-study hard-go to university-get a good job’. Most Asian kids will know this motto off by heart. It seems as if there is no room for creativity or imagination. Everything was done for a reason.  Pressure is on their kids to go to school, study hard, get good grades and go to university. Once graduated, it is imperative that you find a job stable job in which to earn your fortunes.

I’ve been through it all. But I want something different for my life. I want love, I want creativity. I want freedom and independence. I want to live.
My mother and I are similar in many ways, and yet we are so different. She has given me her strength, her determination and her will. My mother is a strong woman to the point that there is no room for gentleness. She has never said to me ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m proud of you’. She has never looked at me with love. She never talked to me about boys or about falling in love. Everything I’ve learnt, I’ve learnt on my own. It saddens me deeply that she does not allow herself to get close to her children.
I think my mother attributes gentleness with weakness. But I differ from her. I think that you can be both gentle and strong at the same time. When I have children, I want to instill in them this very important value. I also want to be the kind of mother who is not afraid to tell my children how much I love them and how proud I am of them. I don’t want to take the same path as my mother…

Nothing is so strong as gentleness. Nothing is so gentle as real strength. - Frances De Sales

Writer’s Block

I haven’t written anything new in awhile. It seems like I just can’t seem to find the time to write anymore.  As I grow older, I realise that I am writing less and less. Once upon  a time, writing was the only means of escape for me.

The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thought, this in turn makes us think more deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium - Norbet Platt

What does that say about my life? Perhaps that I am in more control of my life and no longer require the comfort of writing to help me through problems. Well, I’d like to think so anyway.
But be that the truth or not, I want to retain my love of writing. I’m not so much afraid that I will fall out of love with writing, but rather that I just don’t have the time or the inspiration anymore.

Perhaps there is such a thing as writer’s block.

One of the ironic qualities of my writing habits is that when I’m seated comfortably at my desk in front of the computer, nothing ever comes to mind. It’s when I am out and about or on the train or even at work that inspiration springs to mind. Naturally, I cannot run to my writing book and jot down ideas when I am on the phone with a client at work. Pity.

Writing is easy: All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead - Gene Fowler

I can’t seem to find the right time to write. Writing at my desk conjures up no inspiration. I can’t write on the train on my way to work because I get motion sickness. I can’t write at work because of the obvious really. So when can I write? I probably need to learn a new skill. Something crazy like ‘writing-while-walking’.
I always think that some of the things I want to write about are too small a thought to bother ever writing down. So what does that leave me with? Not much, I’ll tell ya that.
But in the words of Cyril Connolly:

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.

Supportive woman

The endless pursuit of happiness

Just a quick thought for today.
If happiness is not to be measured by monetary possessions, then what is it to be measured by? Come to think of it, what exactly is happiness?
As the years go by, happiness seems to be further and further out of reach. So much to the point that now I’m not even sure what it is.
In the newspapers today, there was an article about a research conducted that showed Denmark as being the country with the highest level of happiness. Apparently, this is due to their social equality and the peaceful atmosphere of their country.
Australia was ranked 22 out of 97 countries on the level of happiness of it’s residents. According to the article, Zimbabwe was found to be the most miserable place in the world. Hmmm.
This research stated that happiness was determined by the “extent to which people have free choice in how to live their lives”.
You know what? They just might be right. I need the freedom to live my own life.

Getting fit for the big day

It’s just under six months until the wedding. So I thought it’d be a good time to get into shape. Or, at the very least, get back some semblance of fitness. And so I trudged along to the gym this morning and made a membership. To say that the membership fees are ridiculously high is a gross understatement. Nevertheless, I grudgingly paid the high fees and to which I was given a towel in return. Perhaps it is a consolation prize for the high fees?

It’s probably - no, definitely - not a good thing that I am only getting into shape for the sake of my wedding. It should be that I’m getting fit for the sake of good health alone. But alas, that is the honest truth. After all, most women want to look their best on their big day, right? In this respect, I am no different.

And so begins my fitness regime which is to last another five months. I am hoping to go everyday - I know, I know, it’s crazy! - after work. It will create a routine for me, thus encouraging me to go to the gym daily, plus, I’m getting my money’s worth!

So, let’s do it! Let’s get back in shape!

When loneliness comes to visit

On occasion, I have those days where I could be amongst a crowd of people and still feel completely alone. Today is one of those days. The feeling comes and goes like the wind. There is no particular reason as to what brings it on, it just happens.
After spending a tiring day out and about in the city, on my monthly volunteer program with ALIV, I came home and suddenly the feeling sweeps through me. I hate days like this. I feel completely hopeless and weak. But I am none of those things.

I realise that perhaps the feeling is as a result of the past few years. I’ve grown and changed alot these past years, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. But the experiences of the last few years has had a deep impact on me. I’ve had to be alone for so long, now that when I’m amongst a lot of people, I still feel so alone. This isn’t always the case, some days I feel totally fine. I suppose it’s the days when I’m just so tired and not feeling one hundred percent that I feel lonely.

The fact that my fiance is a million miles away from me doesn’t make this any easier to deal with. The loneliness only makes me miss him all the more. So what had initially been just a problem of my being lonely, now I have a second problem of missing my fiance. I try not to miss him too much because if I allow myself, the distance between us makes it too hard to cope with.
I’ve realised that there’s not much I can do when I am feeling this way. All I can do is wait for it to go away and I am back to my usual self. That is, until the next time I feel that way again.

Culture Clash - with my own culture?

Growing up in a western society, I have assimilated and appreciate the vast majority of things that this type of society entails. There are the tangible things such as a good home, good food and good clothes. But most importantly, it is the intangible things like freedom, education and expressions of creativity that I value above all else.
Having said that, I do however, try to maintain a somewhat close relationship with my roots. I have learnt to speak my own language and I’ve tried to identify with my own culture. In a sense, I am living two lives simultaneously.
The twist is when I fall in love with someone from my own country that rocks the foundations of my once completely ‘westernised life’. Not only is my fiance of the same culture as I, but he also lives in our homeland, as opposed to me living in a western country.
We’ve managed to surpass all obstacles and stay together, despite the complexities of trying to maintain a healthy relationship over long distance. We see each other once a year for a few weeks and talk as often as we can whenever we’re apart. We try to maintain open communications whenever we disagree, and we let ourselves cool down for a couple of days whenever we’re both angry. This, so far, has worked for us.
The irony of it all is that when we’ve reached our goal of getting married, we face even more obstacles. This time, these obstacles are linked with the issue of culture clash. Yes, you heard right. Culture clash. I’m having a culture clash…with my own culture. Ridiculous, right?  Perhaps.
But not so when you’re trying to plan a wedding and you and your partner don’t agree on certain things. It sounds ridiculous when I think about it, but in a sense, it’s the principle of the issue that matters to me.
Let me paint a picture for you. You’ve invited guests to your wedding. Some of them start strolling in at 6pm, they make there way to the tables, get seated and once that table is full, are served immediately with their meals. Right?
Another group of guests stroll in at, say, 7pm and make there way to the tables. Likewise, once that table is full, they are immediately served dinner, regardless whether all the guests are there or not and regardless whether the wedding program has started. Just like that. This is my fiance’s culture.
To make a long story short, I don’t like it. A wedding reception should have all guests there first before starting. It makes for a better managed event and basically, its more fun if everyone is there together. But my fiance says I cannot change the culture/habit of the country because that is basically what everyone is used to. As you can see, this doesn’t sit well with me.
At the end of the day, I am having a culture clash with my own culture. The ignorance of some of the beliefs are beyond what my westernised brain can comprehend. And so, the question remains. How do I surpass this culture clash in order to have the wedding of my dreams?

The BIG DAY is in sight…the long wait is over!

For those who are in long distance relationships, they will surely understand my excitement.
After three long, excruciating years of a long distance relationship…the wait is over! My fiance and I are finally getting married!

I can’t even begin to express my emotions at this point in time, but relief is definitely one of them. We’ve set a date for the wedding - December 21, 2008.
I never thought I would see the day when my goals were finally in sight. I can stare into the distance and finally make out a view of my future. That was never possible before, all we could do was take one day at a time. Now the wait is finally almost over.

The planning begins. I never realised how much preparation was needed to make a wedding work. We’ve booked a venue already and are starting to plan the food, invitations, decorations etc etc.
And the wedding dress! Ooohhh!

The countdown begins! Only 186 more days to go until the BIG DAY!

The irony of life

 

When you start to think that you have life under control and that things are going as planned, it suddenly does a complete 360 on you. I often refrain from planning anything significant in my life, simply because I know that it just won’t turn out as I’ve planned. In a sense, it’s like a curse. Even so, there are many things that you cannot help planning. Sometimes I catch myself planning things in my head as if sneakily planning life in my head would avert the curse. I laugh at my own childishness.
I’ve spent the past many years of my life caught up in plans that only now do I see will have to be put on hold indefinitely. Essentially, this means that the plans I’ve been involved in will now just have to wait. The irony of it all lies in the fact that I’ve been through hell and back for these plans, only for it now to be put on hold. Go figure, eh? It hardly seems fair, but then again, when is life ever fair? Then what is the point to all those years of effort that I’ve put in?

Perhaps Alanis Morissette speaks of the irony of life in the best way in her song ‘Ironic’. It’s one of my favourite songs.

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
Its a black fly in your chardonnay
Its a death row pardon two minutes too late
Isnt it ironic… dont you think?

Chorus:
Its like rain on your wedding day
Its a free ride when youve already paid
Its the good advice that you just didnt take
Who wouldve thought… it figures

Mr. play it safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
Well isnt this nice…
And isnt it ironic… dont you think?

Repeat chorus

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everythings okay and everythings going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everythings gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when youre already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
Its like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
Its meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isnt it ironic… dont you think?
A little too ironic… and yeah I really do think…

Repeat chorus

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

Powderfinger Concert: Upstairs at the Downstairs Tour

On Wednesday night, I went along to see Powderfinger at The Enmore Theatre. They called it an ‘intimate tour’, probably because it was a small venue. Regardless, they were awesome! They sound so much better live. I wouldn’t call myself a real fan, but I just enjoy their music. On the night, the crowd was more of a mature age rather than your emo-teenage punk kids. To be honest, the crowd was rather dull. But if you go to see Powderfinger for their music, then you wouldn’t have been disappointed. But if you went for the “experience of a concert” or to see spectacular props and sets, then you would be sorely disappointed. I quited enjoyed the event and would definitely see them again, perhaps next time at a larger venue.

 

Good girls and their bad boys

He has a sexy smile with a deep, rough voice to match. His eyes are mesmerising and his dimples make you weak. He showers you with flirtatious praises and your heart just melts.

No, I’m not trying to write a cheesy romance novel. I’m trying to figure out the age old problems of why nearly all women fall for ‘bad boys’. What is it about these type of men that attracts women? Is it the sense of danger? The adventure? The irresistable charm?
Maybe it’s a combination of all of these things.

Nearly all women will have at one point or another fallen for or be attracted to a bad boy persona. But realistically, most women overcome this weakness once they reach their mid-twenties. This is when they realise that nice guys are, well, nice. They are the kind of men that they want to spend their life with.

Even so, women cannot help but sigh in longing when they watch a romance movie when the bad guy realises how much they love the girl. Perhaps it is a mentality that will never change. Or perhaps its inherited in our DNA. We all want to be that girl that the bad guy falls for, but most of us can distinguish between real life and fiction.

Women want bad guys like they want chocolate and cake. They are bad for us…but they taste so yummy! Forbidden is always best, isn’t it?

The greener side

It’s just about to hit ten o’clock as I sit here at my desk in semi darkness. The hot air from my trusty heater flows around my ankles and makes a soft  swissshing sound. My eyes are drooping as a yawn escapes my lips. It’s the end of a long tiring day, full of grey skies and rain.
My bones are weary and I feel as if I am older than my age. It is a Friday night and this weekend is going to be a long weekend. Everyone is out partying while I sit here unable to contain my tiredness.

I am longing for better days, for sunshine and smiles. My weary bones tell a story of their own. Too much weighs upon my shoulders and I long for these weights to be lifted. I am but one person. I can only carry so many burdens. But it would seem that I am much stronger than I appear.

Ahh…but life is not to be lived complaining. No, I do not wish for that. Too much time is wasted complaining. At the same time, I do not wish to accept life the way it is. Surely there must be more to it. I am constantly searching for the greener pastures. But what if there are no greener hills? The thought has plagued me many a nights.

Ultimately, I’ve reached a conclusion. If there are no greener pastures, then we must plant seeds of happiness in our own pastures. Rare as these seeds may be to find (and even harder to plant), we must endeavour to grow them so that in the end, it is our own hills that are the greenest.

This is my goal. This is what I aim for in life. Not to look for greener pastures where they may possibly be none, but rather, to grow greener hills of my own through planting seeds of happiness, love, laughter and life.

Two steps forward…five steps back

Sometimes, it seems as if no matter how hard I try, it’s just not good enough.
Seriously, how hard do I have to try to get a fair go once in awhile? It seems as if I’ve been trying for so long, and yet I’m not getting anywhere.

Is there a queue somewhere that I’m suppose to join to get served my fair share? It seems like I’m doing everything the hard way. I just don’t get it.

Nowhere but downhills

I was off to a bad start from the moment I woke up this morning. Sleeping twenty minutes past my alarm clock time, I staggered to the bathroom for a shower. Glancing at the clock, I noticed that it was still early yet and that I had plenty of time left. It just so happens that the clock on our wall died. Now, considerably more late, I rushed out of the house - into the pouring rain. Terrific. What a great way to start the day.

I get to work and noticed that I’m the first person in my team to show up. The guy that’s suppose to be handling the morning calls is nowhere to be seen. He rocks up to work an hour later and declared that the train was late. Hmmm. So now that he is horribly late, right, you would think he would stay back to make up for that lost hour. Oh no, he leaves work at his usual time! How’s that for injustice? It’s beyond ridiculous.

There’s always one of them in every crowd. The guy who rocks up to work late and leaves work before everyone else and then whinges when someone else is doing the very same thing.
It’s such a petty issue. But it really irks me. Like really, really irks me. Grrrr.

The afternoon in the office turned out to be stressful and I left for the day with work still unfinished. I don’t like that. It makes me…I don’t know the word to describe it. I just don’t feel like I’ve put in 100% when I leave work and there is still so many things left to be done.

To top off the day, it was raining even harder than it was in the morning. The train station was naturally packed and of course the train just had to be late!

It’s enough to make a girl scream.

Winter is here

It is a gloomy day that grudgingly welcomes the first day of winter. The sky is overcast and threatens down pour any moment. It is one of those days where you don’t feel like doing much. When all you want is to just cuddle up in bed with the object of your affection. It’s one of those days when you find yourself reflecting on the past and on the road you have taken to be where you are. It is a day that warrants a hot cup of your favourite beaverage, your feet snuggled into your much loved pair of socks and your body wrapped up in a soft blanket.

As I look out of my bedroom window, I catch a glimpse of the sun’s ray trying to break through the thick clouds. On other days the sun might win, but not today. The gray clouds swallow up every inch of light. The sound of threatening thunder rolls around the sky, echoing back and forth.

I am neither sad nor joyous. Instead, I feel a sense of stillness cloak around me. It is a good thing. Some times I live my life in a speed that would probably cause for a speeding ticket if they had ‘life police’ patrolling. So it’s good to just slow down and just enjoy the stillness of the moment.

A picture of my fiance smiles back at me from its position on my table. That smile is enough to remind me of all the good times we’ve had. It also reminds me all of the good times ahead. Long distance relationships are hard, but that is what gets me through each day.

As the rain drops begin to slide down my window, I must remind myself that while its good to slow down, I must not be complacent. There are things to do. And as the old cliche goes - time waits for noone.

Red light diligence

Tonight as I was driving home, I stopped at a quiet intersection. I noticed the few cars that were also waiting for the green light. It occured to me then that we were waiting so - what’s the word for it? - diligently for the light to turn green. What is it about the red traffic light that induces us to wait on a quiet stretch of road when there are obviously no cars around? Logically, we can safely drive on, but the glare of red chains us to the spot. Perhaps the driver training we’ve had has override all else, so that ultimately, everytime we see a red light, our foot automatically slams on the brake. Even if we are the only person within a hundred kilometre radius.

Who is Ms Laine?

Hello and welcome.

To mark the beginning of my new blog, let me introduce myself a little. I live on the biggest island in the world. This island also happens to be a country as well as a continent. Well, at least I hope that’s right. I did rather enjoy geography back in school, I’d hate for me to get my facts incorrect now.

I have many loves. And possibly many hates. But the most important love is my fiance. We have been engaged for almost three years and are looking to set a wedding date some time at the end of 2008 or early 2009. My other loves are my love of writing and photography. I’ve been an amateur writer for as long as I can remember. I’ve only recently developed a love for photography, but given the time and opportunity, I’d like to further expand my interests.

I’m a somewhat temperamental creature, with a short supply of patience, My close friends liken me to a litte red chilli. I guess its a close enough depiction as to what kind of person I am. But for good or bad, I’m happy with who I am.

As I begin to fill up my blog with more and more posts, you’ll begin to see snippets of who I am. Perhaps I will also gain the opportunity to learn more about myself along the way. If not, at least I’ll have fun writing. Also, if one day in the future in my old age, I should look back through my blog I’ll have a picture of the life I’ve lead.

Hmm… Do weblogs last that long?